I made my first comment on Havi’s blog. She put up one of her Very Personal Ads, and invited people to put up their own, as a comment. I did.
I said that I wanted to begin biggifying. That I wanted to take myself seriously enough that my doubts wouldn’t stop me, that they’d be noise that I could be compassionate about, instead of s’posed-to “facts” I’m s’posed-to believe. That when I think about people who are more biggified than me, who I feel like I “should” be in the same cohort with (like Elizabeth Debold, who I just re-discovered) that I won’t be jealous of them, I’ll treat their accomplishments as interesting information, not as a comparison.
That the way this could happen is that I could write every day. That I’d take on big ideas and write about them. That if I start feeling like I can’t, that I’d write out the conversation with my can’ts.
The commitment I made, is that I’d post them to my new blog, my brand-new baby blog. I almost pretended that I didn’t have a blog, but then I put it in there anyway. I also almost didn’t put my twitter name in, but I did that, too.
So Elizabeth Debold, who I went to grad school with, turns out that she’s really biggified in a big way. She’s even been on Oprah. She’s the senior editor of something called EnlightenNext Magazine, which is about this new wave of consciousness that’s happening all over. It’s really cool that someone has taken academic educational psychology like that, and turned it towards this new wacky stuff.
It’s hard not to feel jealous.
So let’s try talking to my jealousy.
me: hello jealousy
jealousy: GROWWWLLLL!!!!
me: …
jealousy: so in the last 20 years she’s done a zillion cool things, and you’ve done ZIP. She’s built up a whole resume and a whole background of credentials and done that slow growth to be in a really cool place to do valuable things and get taken seriously. And you fucked around doing nothing.
me: you admire her, Elizabeth Debold, it sounds like.
jealousy: yes. And you and she were once equals, you were in the same cohort. You could have, should have done more. You should have been more like her.
me: Maybe the path I took was the only path I could take. Maybe the contributions I have to give, need to have been learned on exactly the path I’ve taken. Maybe I’ve been doing my own slow growth in my own way, building towards something too.
jealousy: well then you better amount to something big! You better justify all that time!!
I don’t know how to answer that. It does make it harder to do anything, if I have to carry 20 years on my back.
me: why is it so important to you that I amount to something important?
jealousy: because you are so cool and so amazing, it’s a shame to have that lost to the world!
Wow. That brings tears to my eyes… wouldn’t have expected to hear that…
me: Wow. well thank you. I didn’t know you believed in me!
I said that I wanted to begin biggifying. That I wanted to take myself seriously enough that my doubts wouldn’t stop me, that they’d be noise that I could be compassionate about, instead of s’posed-to “facts” I’m s’posed-to believe. That when I think about people who are more biggified than me, who I feel like I “should” be in the same cohort with (like Elizabeth Debold, who I just re-discovered) that I won’t be jealous of them, I’ll treat their accomplishments as interesting information, not as a comparison.
That the way this could happen is that I could write every day. That I’d take on big ideas and write about them. That if I start feeling like I can’t, that I’d write out the conversation with my can’ts.
The commitment I made, is that I’d post them to my new blog, my brand-new baby blog. I almost pretended that I didn’t have a blog, but then I put it in there anyway. I also almost didn’t put my twitter name in, but I did that, too.
So Elizabeth Debold, who I went to grad school with, turns out that she’s really biggified in a big way. She’s even been on Oprah. She’s the senior editor of something called EnlightenNext Magazine, which is about this new wave of consciousness that’s happening all over. It’s really cool that someone has taken academic educational psychology like that, and turned it towards this new wacky stuff.
It’s hard not to feel jealous.
So let’s try talking to my jealousy.
me: hello jealousy
jealousy: GROWWWLLLL!!!!
me: …
jealousy: so in the last 20 years she’s done a zillion cool things, and you’ve done ZIP. She’s built up a whole resume and a whole background of credentials and done that slow growth to be in a really cool place to do valuable things and get taken seriously. And you fucked around doing nothing.
me: you admire her, Elizabeth Debold, it sounds like.
jealousy: yes. And you and she were once equals, you were in the same cohort. You could have, should have done more. You should have been more like her.
me: Maybe the path I took was the only path I could take. Maybe the contributions I have to give, need to have been learned on exactly the path I’ve taken. Maybe I’ve been doing my own slow growth in my own way, building towards something too.
jealousy: well then you better amount to something big! You better justify all that time!!
I don’t know how to answer that. It does make it harder to do anything, if I have to carry 20 years on my back.
me: why is it so important to you that I amount to something important?
jealousy: because you are so cool and so amazing, it’s a shame to have that lost to the world!
Wow. That brings tears to my eyes… wouldn’t have expected to hear that…
me: Wow. well thank you. I didn’t know you believed in me!
